Why I Created 'Jennuinely Me': A Story of Self Acceptance *Trigger Warning*

I would like to place a trigger warning because there is a discussion of suicide and domestic abuse.

"God, why did you make this way? Why did you make me shy? Why did you make me awkward and full of anxiety? Why did you all me to be the but of everyone's jokes? And most of all, why did you make me so damn ugly and unattractive?"

Those are the exact questions I asked God from the ages of 11 to 20. I am now 23 years old and when I look back on that time I get emotional. I hate that I hated myself so much and most of all, I blamed God. I did not have faith in anything, not even in myself when I was going through puberty and the first three years of adulthood. I was so lost and did not even know who I was. In middle school, I longed to fit in with everyone else. I wanted to be like the other girls who were liked by everyone, had large friend groups, and had boys who liked them. I wanted to dress like them, go to parties, get the same hairstyles, and everything else that constituted getting the same attention. I wanted to be popular. That is when I began to hate myself. I was none of what I just described. I was a skinny girl with short hair and no style, even though we wore uniforms everyone had a style. I was shy and barely spoke. I had only three friends and no boys wanted me. I wore my real hair and I hated it because other girls who wore their real hair had it down past shoulder length. Throughout middle school, I remained the same. It carried all the way to high school. My anxiety was atrocious and I did not even know I had anxiety. At the cost of being quiet, I was kind of sort of picked on. I was also picked on by one girl in high school in my tenth-grade geometry class. I was a ninth-grader so that made me an easy target to her. She made fun of me every day and got to the point of throwing things at me. I never told my mom in full detail because I was afraid if I told it would get worse. Only one classmate I trusted tried to stand up for me, but it never worked.

From then on I got worse. I had all the signs of depression and didn't even know. When I got to the age where dating was acceptable in my household (16), I just knew I was never going to have a boyfriend. I was too ugly and could not compare to the girls my male counterparts liked. In my senior year, there was one guy who claimed to like me. He was a junior. It was all a fail. He was mean to me and made fun of the way I looked. Some part of me did not care because at least I had someone who liked me. I was so stupid. He didn't even want to take me to prom. My mom had to find someone to be my prom date so I would not be alone in my pictures.

I went off to college after graduation. That was a big mistake because I was in a new city not knowing a single soul, let alone not even knowing myself. I still had no style, no money, but I did start getting my hair done the way I wanted. My first two years of college were terrible. This set the tone for how the rest of my college experience would go. I got in a relationship the moment I stepped on campus. We were so in love and then he cheated on me twice. Because I never had been in a relationship before then, I did not know what the bare minimum was. I stayed the first time he cheated because I was so blinded by love. We ended up reconciling and a few months later it happened again. Now, my initial action was to be done and not go back, but that "boy" manipulated me like usual. In the second half of the relationship, he became emotionally abusive and was able to get into my head time after time. He was physically abusive well. I have been choked, punched in the stomach, and punched in the face. Going back the second time was so stupid of me, but I never had someone to love me the way he did in the beginning. I thought if I left him I would have nobody. Nobody would want me the way he did. He was a narc that preyed on the gentleness and kindness of my heart and I let him. I did not know myself and relied on him so I was the perfect victim.

In 2018, the narc and I got into a huge argument and it led to a terrible line of events I will discuss in another post for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October). Said events almost led me to end my life. I sat in my car crying and was going to end it all. I asked God why would he put me in such a situation that ruined me. I had been through so much that year and was tired. I thought about middle school me. I thought about high school me. I thought about who I was then. I told myself that maybe my life is a waste and once I am gone then people will see me. Thankfully I am still here and thriving better than ever. I choose life every day.

Once I came back home I was on the road to recovery. I started dressing up more. I worked on my social skills, enrolled back in school, and started working. I got my hair done more often because I could finally buy things for myself. In my past relationship, he financially drained me and he did not work. I was in control of myself for the first time. I became happy and I love myself more than ever. I started dating again and found out there was nothing wrong with the way I looked. I just did not know how beautiful I am inside and out. My social media is filled with selfies of myself because I feel pretty no matter what. I own a contagious smile with dimples to match. I have pretty brown skin with lips to die for. I am intelligent and worthy of life. My size is acceptable and I love me for me. This is why I created this blog. This blog is my baby and just want to share with the world who I am. I have never shown my true self and writing is my best attribute, so why not merge the two? What I want to get across is that finding yourself is a challenge and I still struggle with unlocking parts to myself. I realize at 23 that it is ok to not have everything figured out. As long as you keep loving yourself all of those answers will come.

Jenn

Jennifer White ( Jenn) is the moderator and owner of this blog.

Be you. Be genuine.

If you or a loved one are suffering from thoughts of suicide or self-harm please call the National Suicide Prevention Line: 800 - 273 - 8255. Help is available 24/7.