A Picture Is Worth A "Thousand" Words: Part Four: Why Didn't I Leave the First Time?

TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions suicide.

Months passed along after the first time Tony cheated on me. We decided to work things out and in the midst of that, he cheated again with the same girl a month after the first time. I still beat myself up by not leaving. I still decided to stay because I kept believing that relationships have trials and tribulations, but I did not know what that was supposed to mean. I began to fall into a deep depression. I was so desperate to have somebody that I allowed someone to manipulate me. So desperate to make something so broken work that I couldn't get out of my own way to leave and live my life. Let me tell you, I am a prime example that God is going to keep giving you signs, even if it's detrimental to mental and physical health.

During the spring of 2018, I found out that Tony befriended a Freshman, who I will call Briana. He also became acquainted with her other friends. Around this time Tony began to become very dismissive towards me, left me alone at his apartment for hours on end, when I talked to him he ignored me, and we argued a lot. I always had a feeling in my stomach that he was cheating again, but every time I brought it up he would lie. Then one day during an argument about Briana, he began comparing me to her. He stated that she fixes herself up and she likes doing new things when I don't. Mind you, whenever I did fix myself up I never got a compliment. I was always greeted with "Who are you trying to look good for?" and it was never in a joking tone. I was also scolded for spending money on makeup. What I bought was a gift for myself on my birthday, and I sure wasn't getting one from him. He was only upset because the money I was spending was not being used for his benefit. Whenever I bought food and loaned him money he was fine with it. The things I did for myself did not even have to involve money. When I tried to make friends he made fun of me for it. When I went to a therapist on campus he made fun of me for it and became dismissive as to why I was going. He became mean towards me. He was my biggest bully, but masked it with little things he called "love".

The signs were becoming bigger by the day, but I just kept them in the back of my head. Towards the end of April Tony had brought himself a new phone. He kept the old one and it never had a password. One day, Tony left me in his apartment alone with the dog we had purchased together in January 2018. The speculations in the back of my head and my intuition told me to charge it up and look at it. Once it was on, my speculations became true. 3 months' worth of text messages between Tony and Briana. The conversation ranged from sexual to him calling the dog we bought together her baby and son. I was full of emotions. Anger took over me and I began sending screenshots to Tony of all he had done. My heart couldn't take what was happening. I cried uncontrollably. I began to feel as if my whole world was burning down. From already suffering from depression, having low self-esteem, not feeling loved, and dealing with being away from home I wanted to die. I just wanted to end it all.

I left Tony's apartment and hid In the complex restroom near the pool. I did not want his roommate to hear how hurt I was. While inside the restroom, I called the National Suicide Helpline. It sent me to the line for Veterans, but the woman who answered stayed on the phone with me. She talked me out of it all. I figured that once Tony realized I was not answering him he sent my roommate from my dorm to look for me. I heard her trying to get into the restroom, but I didn't answer her. I did not want to be bothered. I eventually left the restroom and returned to Tony's apartment. About five minutes after I sat in his bedroom he came storming in. I just let everything out. He tried to hug me, but I just about kicked him in his face to keep him away from me. He even had the nerve to bring Briana along with him so we could talk. That was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen in my life. He even tried to make a comment Insinuating that we be in a polygamous relationship. That pissed me off even more. I only asked her two things before I told Tony to take me back to my dorm and that I was done with him.

We eventually pulled up to my dorm and he asked if I was truly done and I told him I wanted him to leave me alone. He watched as I went in and I didn't look back. You may think this is the end, but it's not. I would eventually be manipulated by Tony again and again and again.

Parts Five and Six will be posted soon and Part Six will be the last.