A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words Part Two: Young and Naive

My whole life I have always heard the saying, "Relationships are hard. They are full of ups and downs." However, I never knew what those ups and downs were supposed to consist of. I always thought the things my peers went through were normal, but I was so wrong.

Tony and I hit things off very quickly. The night after he dropped me off at my dorm made us inseparable. We did everything together and I never really spent any time in my dorm or with my roommate. I wish I could apologize to her for leaving her alone, but I think she kind of liked it. I thought spending so much time together meant that we were in love. Instead, I was in love and he was in lust with a whole other agenda. As time moved on I thought everything was going great, but with the incoming cold weather, the red flags started to arise. There were so many that it is so hard to remember. The first red flag was when Eve invited me to a girl's night because I had been spending so much time with Tony. This Is when he started to show signs of wanting me to himself. He hated the thought of me having friends. Instead of being able to spend time with them alone, he crashed the party and I didn't stay. That was very stupid I know, but I was too in love to see it. He was the first guy I had ever been with and wanted to do everything I could to keep him. Now that I know what I know now, I bet it disgusted Eve and everyone else in the room.

The second red flag was when I gave myself a big chop. It was the first of many, but I felt so ugly. I hated how short my hair was and I was too broke to even buy products. I looked like a little boy. My go-to cover-up was scarves. I would wear them with the knot in the front or the back and if that didn't work I would wear baseball caps. One day Tony and I went to the Fresh Foods dining hall. While we were there we ran into Eve, Kayy, and Autumn. We went over to speak and that is when Autumn decided to make a joke about the scarf I was wearing. It more so referencing something about a slave. You could only guess who laughed the loudest: Tony. My face went white with embarrassment and I just walked away as if I had to use the bathroom. I just cried in the stall. I was already embarrassed about how short my hair was and how it already made me look. I already lacked so much confidence. I walked out of the restroom with Tony waiting on me, but I did not say a word to him. When we got back to his dorm I barely spoke to him. When we did speak we argued. I even got some since to think about ending the relationship. Then the gaslighting started.

"You don't think I can't call a girl over here right now to replace you?"

"Who do you got to call? Nobody!"

"Nobody is going to want you like me."

Even after all of that I still stayed. I should have left, but "relationships are hard". Ever since then I never wore my real hair again. No matter how long it is I am still too embarrassed to wear it. I keep saying I cannot wear it until it becomes long enough. I don't even know when that is. However, I am slowly becoming proud enough to show pictures to trusted friends and family.

The biggest red flag was when Valentine's Day was around the corner. It was going to be the first time that I was going to have a boyfriend on this special day. I kept filling my head with all of the possible things I was going to get. I was pushing my luck. I had to beg for a gift. The only thing I wanted was this big $20 stuffed dog from Walmart. That's all I wanted and I had to beg him to buy it. I got it but it did not feel right to have it. I should not have had to beg for something so simple. Something that no matter how stupid it seemed, I should have gotten it without pushback. I feel so stupid when I think back on all of the red flags, but I have to remember that I was young and it helped me grow and gain some good sense.

As the spring semester began to come to a close the red flags came to a halt. Things were looking up and it was hard to say goodbye to each other until August. I thought the separation for two months was going to be hard, but what he put through during the time separated was just the beginning of a major downward spiral.

We shall meet again next Tuesday at 7:30 pm for Part Three: "But Relationships Are Supposed to be HARD! Aren't They?" (The earlier the better, LOL.)

Sincerely keeping you on the edge of your seat,

Jenn