I Hate Friend Groups... But I Still Long to Have One

It’s not easy making friends. Well, at least for me.

In elementary school it was so easy to find friends because everyone was so nice. We did have to be in one room with each other after all. I had a large friend group from kindergarten to fifth grade. We were absolutely inseparable. By fourth and fifth grade I realized that I was the least favorite friend. That is where I first began to feel like an outcast. Of course there was one other person I could count on to invite me everywhere, but there were some who wouldn’t invite to places at all.

By middle school that friend group was split apart. I found it difficult to make friends and I tried squeezing myself into an already formed clique, but they didn’t like me. They saw me more as a nuisance than a potential new friend. I ended up finding my people and then one person moved away, then another. This friend group consisted of many personalities that I loved. When eighth grade came around I thought I found my true best friend, and then it got broken in half once high school came around. I entered high school so scared because I knew those people but they didn’t want anything to do with me. I was an automatic outcast due to my quiet nature. In order to get through high school I decided to stick myself around people that I could talk to. I didn’t try to make friends anymore. I did end end making one and my friend from middle school came back. I still felt so alone because they had their own friends and treated them a lot better than me. When I had those friendships I was loyal and was there to hear them out. Still to this day I don’t speak bad about them because they were friends that I trusted. I did try to rekindle an old friendship that ended after high school, but it was short lived due to differences. I still don’t know what I did till this day. She wanted to go to the movies but I couldn’t due to it interfering with things I had going on. She got upset and I haven’t heard from her since. I tried making friends early on in college and that was short lived because of a relationship that drew me deeper into my shell. From then on I hated friend groups. I despised them with a passion. All everyone did was leave me. As I get older I realize that finding friends is not so hard and they come unexpectedly. I can say that all of friends came from work. That have contributed so much to my life that I cannot put into words. Friend groups are not as necessary because the friends I have all contribute to certain parts of my life. However, I still find myself longing for that friend group that does so much together. I get so angry sometimes because I wish I could have what so many others have. I want a group that is genuine and can be understanding of each other’s differences. Then again, I am so afraid to have that. In every friend group I had I was the least favorite friend. Below the surface I was actually the most genuine person out of all. If I tried speaking to half the people that I once friends with they wouldn’t even look my way. I had to grow up and recognize that I just do not fit into their lifestyles anymore. Their interests and obsessions are not the same as mine and that is okay. I would love to ask how they are doing, but I just know I would be ignored. I am content with the fact that they may never be my friends again, and I root for their successes from afar. They have their people and I and still continuing to find all of mine. Right now I have six, but like I said they all serve different purposes. I’m still looking for that group of women (guys too) that are likeminded and can serve a purpose in my life. I’ll find it one day. I manifest that for myself and so many others that feel the same.

Take Care,

Jenn